Tuesday, August 1, 2017

"Dog days" postcard

Hey, what's up, dogs?  We hereby interrupt this world crisis to bring you..
...a postcard of Vancouver from Sandy!  He writes:  "It's hard work, supervising the humans, and every bear needs a break during the dog days of summer.  Why are they called 'dog days'?" 

Why, indeed?  I was curious as well, so I looked it up online:

"The term indicates a period between July 3 and August 11 when the Dog Star, Sirius, rises at the same time or near the same time as the sun in the Northern hemisphere." 

Wow, that's cool!  I learned something new today.  Thanks, Sandy, for the postcard and the learning opportunity!

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

The Dog From P.O.U.N.D.

Hey, what's up, dogs?  Today I wanted to tell you about a trip I took recently with---

Ding dong!

--Huh?  Somebody's at the door.  I'm not expecting any packages or visitors.  I wonder who it could be?

My human checked through the peephole and then opened the door.  (Remember, kids, you should never open the door to anyone you don't know!)

The dog on the doorstep wore sunglasses and looked very official. 

"Is this the home of Droopy W. Dog?" he asked.
Er, yes...I'm Droopy W. Dog...

"Greetings, civilian.  I'm Agent Sparky with P.O.U.N.D.--Pooches Organized for United National Defense.  There's something important I need to discuss with you.  May I come in?"
(Gulp.)  Uh, sure.  Have a seat.  Um...have I done something wrong, sir?

"No, not at all.  Actually, I'm here to ask for your help."

My help?

"Yes.  Let me explain..."

Monday, July 10, 2017

Naming the organization


"Yes, Uncle?"

"What's on my agenda for today?"

"One minute, Uncle.  Let me consult your planner.  Okay, here we are...

Today, from 9 to 10--breakfast.  
From 10 to noon--catnap in sunny windowsill.  
From noon to 1--lunch.  
From 1 to 3--catnap in sunny windowsill.
From 3 to 4--brainstorm name for evil organization.  
From 4 to 6--catnap in sunny windowsill.
And finally, from 6 to 7--dinner."

"Hmm.  That brainstorming session just cuts the whole afternoon in half.  Let's do it now and get it out of the way."

"As you wish, Uncle."

"So....a name for our evil organization, eh?"

"Yes, Uncle.  As you know, the dogs have named their organization P.O.U.N.D.--Pooches Organized for United National Defense."

"Hmmph.  Hardly impressive.  We can do better than that, Niece.  Something devastatingly clever and menacing.  Something that strikes fear into the hearts of our enemies."

"Yes, Uncle."

"What do you think of the acronym M.E.O.W.?"

"Brilliant, Uncle.  But...what would the letters stand for?"

"Well, the E and the O would stand for 'Evil' and 'Organization,' obviously."

"What about the M?"

"Hmmm...Perhaps an additional adjective that emphasizes our evilness.  Maleficent?  No, we're not Disney villains.  Malicious?  No, sounds too much like 'delicious.'  Malevolent!  Yes, I like that one.  Malevolent it is."

"Excellent choice, Uncle."

"Thank you, Niece.  So.  Malevolent Evil Organization of...uh....Whatever."


"Yes.  Whatever.  We are an all-purpose evil organization.  Whatever's evil, we do it." 

"Err...okay, Uncle.  You're the boss."

"Excellent!  Well then, Niece, I'm off to that sunny windowsill.  You know where to find me if you need me..."


Friday, June 16, 2017

P.O.U.N.D. briefing

(continued from last time...)

"I, Sergeant Spike, hereby call to order this emergency meeting of Pooches Organized for United National Defense, also known as P.O.U.N.D."

"Agents, thank you all for coming so quickly.  You have been summoned here because of a recent event that threatens the well-being of dogs everywhere.

"As you may or may not know, a few weeks ago, a feline calling himself Baron Leopold Pounce De Leon von Katzenheimer threatened the existence of a rather substantial pile of dog biscuits."

"Mon Dieu!" gasped the agent from France.  
"Indeed, Agent Fifi.  You can understand why the top brass is so concerned."

A dachshund spoke up.  "Sergeant Spike.  What do we know about this so-called Baron?" 
"Very little, Agent Digger.   We've run a search through APIS--the Automated Pawprint Identification System--and with the exception of one charge of driving under the influence of catnip, he has no prior record.

"I have here a photo of the Baron and his niece, Katnip Evergreen.  Her record is significant only for minor scratching post violations."

The next question came from the Doggsey Twins.  "Sergeant?  Do we know their location?"

The Sergeant grunted.  "Not yet.  But we have an interesting lead.  While numerous broadcast channels were hijacked during the Baron's ultimatum, our technical staff informs me that the main signal piggybacked on one specific blogger's computer IP address. 

"Here is a picture of that blogger.  We've identified him as Droopy W. Dog, a.k.a. Crocodile Dogdee, a.k.a. Drill Sergeant Droopy, a.k.a. DJ Droop Dogg. 
"We've also identified his home address, which just happens to be in your vicinity, Agent Sparky."  

Agent Sparky nodded.  "What do you need me to do?"

"Visit this Droopy W. Dog.  Get permission to access his computer and see if you can triangulate the source of the Baron's signal."

"On it," Agent Sparky said immediately.

"Very good.  I knew I could count on you," Sergeant Spike rumbled.  

"We're almost done here.  Just one last thing...

"Once we've found the location of the Baron, we'll still have the task of rescuing the threatened dog biscuits.  It may be dangerous.  I've asked the top brass to assemble a team, but with all the red tape involved, there's no guarantee they'll do so before the Baron's deadline.

"As much as I hate to resort to vigilante justice, we may have no choice.  Therefore...I want every one of you to search for the hero known as THE BARK KNIGHT.  He may be our only hope..."


Monday, June 5, 2017

An emergency meeting

In a secret underground location...

*beep beep*

(electronic female voice:) "Pawprint confirmed.  Please hold still for retinal scan."

*whirr, whirr, ka-CHINK*

(electronic female voice:)  "Identity match confirmed.  Welcome, Agent Sparky.  Doors opening.  Please proceed inside."


"Ah, there you are, Sparky.  Good--now we're all here."

"Hello, Sergeant Spike, fellow agents.  Am I late?"
"Not at all.  You're right on time.  Anyway, let's get started.  I, Sergeant Spike, hereby call to order this emergency meeting of Pooches Organized for United National Defense, also known as P.O.U.N.D...."

(to be continued)

Thursday, May 25, 2017

The emergence of a global menace


"Do not attempt to adjust your televisions, computers, or other communication devices.  Your efforts will be futile, as I have hijacked all global satellite signals for the duration of this message.  

"Allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Baron Leopold Pounce De Leon von Katzenheimer.  And this is my niece and production assistant, Katnip Evergreen.  Say hello, Katnip."


"You may be asking, why have I done this?  Simple.  I have done this to protest the biased portrayal of cats in the media.  Too often, movies and television serials have portrayed felines as the pets of choice for evil masterminds and lunatics around the world.  

"For an example, I refer you to Blofeld and his white cat in the James Bond series...as well as the Austin Powers franchise and Dr. Evil's 'Mr. Bigglesworth.'  There is also Mr. Tinkles, the evil feline mastermind of the movie Cats and Dogs." 

("Psst!  Niece!  Give me an extreme closeup here.")

(*sigh*  "Yes, Uncle...")

"Well, I, for one, have had enough of this biased and COMPLETELY INACCURATE portrayal of the FELINE MASTER RACE!...er, I mean, felines in general. 

"You will see here, next to me, a rather substantial pile of dog biscuits.  If my demands are not met in 48 hours, this pile of dog biscuits beside me will meet a dastardly end!"

("Um, Uncle.")

("Yes, Katnip?")

("This blog only runs once a week.")

("Oh.  Hmm.  That does complicate things...All right,
I'm feeling generous.  Instead of 48 hours, we'll make it 48 days.")

("Oh yeah....That'll light a fire under them for sure.")

("Your sarcasm is not appreciated, niece.")

("Sorry, Uncle.")

"Ahem.  I will not be ignored! Cats will have their day!  Muhaha, MUhaha, MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-  *hack-gag-cough*  

"Are you all right, Uncle?"

"(cough, cough)  Dang hairballs...Yes, Katnip, I'm fine.  End transmission." 


Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Hijacked transmission

(zzzzt zzzzt)


"Niece!  The transmission is still too weak. Boost the signal strength by 50 percent."

"I'm trying, Uncle...There.  I think I've got it."



"Are we live?"

"Yes, Uncle.  All readings nominal.  You may proceed whenever you wish."